I know I’m not alone in the fact that i have a hard time doing nice things for myself. Even if its something as simple as painting my nails, or spending an extra 5 minutes in the shower, those moments are clouded with an agonizing feeling of guilt.

I hate feeling that way.

Is it so wrong to want to do those things? Is it so wrong to take a few minutes away from your family to unwind and feel like you’re your own person again?

No, its not…so why does it feel like it is?

Yesterday, for whatever reason, my temper was very short. J was incessantly whining ALL.DAY.LONG. I’m not kidding. From the moment he woke up he was whining about this, that and the other.

We went to the thrift store to find items for our Halloween costumes. Usually he’s pretty good in whatever store we go to. My husband takes him over by the toys and finds him a really cool helicopter. You’d think the kid would be happy! He was, but the blades kept folding in so that made him whine. We checked out and got in the car, more whining. After countless times of telling him nicely, I’ve already had it. I raise my voice:

” IF YOU DO NOT USE YOUR WORDS AND TELL US YOU NEED HELP WITH SOMETHING, THEN IM TAKING THAT TOY AWAY RIGHT NOW!”

He gets quiet and looks down. 2 minutes later he’s whining again. This time I snap

” IVE HAD IT! THAT IS ENOUGH! STOP THAT WHINING RIGHT THIS INSTANCE”

The whole car gets quiet, and I feel terrible.

I find myself yelling a lot. I hate that….

We get home and have some lunch. The whining is continuing…then D starts in…I  my husband could sense my frustrations.

My wonderful husband practically forces me to do nice things for myself. He pesters me until i give in, and then he shoves me out the door saying ” I got this babe, don’t worry” (as the kids are whining and crying in the background).

I walk out the door, immediately feeling bad. I open the garage door and wonder what I’m actually going to do. Hubs suggested shopping. “Pick yourself out a few nice things to help you feel special”.

I get in the car and immediately feel alone.

Some days I long for just a few moments to myself, but when I actually get them, I get so lonely! What is the matter with me?

I decide to go shopping, winter is coming and I guess I could use some new sweaters. All my old clothes don’t fit because I cannot manage to lose the baby weight.

I get to Marshalls and pick out a few things, putting some back as I head to the register (which I always do) because I feel like I shouldn’t be spending this much.

What’s this? The guilty feeling again as I pull out the debit card.

I headed to Target, picked up some dinner, then headed home. Wow..i wasn’t gone that long…shopping sans kids goes by SO MUCH quicker!

I walk up to the door, still feeling like a puppy who pissed on the carpet. I wonder if this feeling goes away when the kids get older?

Did the whining stop by the time I made it back home? Nah,but everyone sure was happy to see me when I got home 🙂