Another night not able to sleep. The bowling ball in the pit of my stomach weighs heavy. More like a molten soup of longing and broken dreams. Sadness and anger like parasites, eating me from the inside out.
You’re supposed to be here. .smiling each day. You’re supposed to be here growing and thriving. We’re supposed to glowing with pride as our 2nd son accomplishes his milestones.
Instead, you’re gone. We feel so alone. Each tear stings as it rolls down my cheek. I don’t even bother to wipe them away.
Some hours I feel so much, sometimes nothing at all. Sometimes it’s even minute to minute.
Most times its too painful to look at your pictures and videos. ..I wish I took more video. I wish I captured every single idiosyncrasy…from the very moment you were born.
I remembered how amazing I felt to birth you naturally. I was so proud.when they placed you in my arms and I saw your perfect face all pink and screaming. All the worries I had during your pregnancy about not being able to love you as much as I loved Jake were immediately swept away as you left my womb.
You made me tired Daniel…oh so tired. Having two kids was harder than i expected. You didn’t sleep much, but that was okay. You weren’t crabby, it was as if you were trying to take in as much as you possibly could.Life was way too exciting to sleep! You were a happy baby as long as someone was holding you. You deserved to be held at all times…im sorry i was so caught up in myself that i didn’t see that.
I miss you at the grocery store.. You usually would be strapped to me as i pushed Jake in the cart. I wish i would have kept you facing me, but i know you wanted to see the world. I didn’t get to see the wonder in your eyes as you looked at all the items at the store. I remember feeling overwhelmed trying to get you two in and out of the car and then all the groceries inside.Now the ease of the trips cut into me like a hot knife through butter.
When Jake was a baby, i remember holding him A LOT and interacting with him. What i remember about you, is looking into your eyes…i could look into them forever. I could see nothing but pure innocent love. No matter how i was feeling those eyes seemed to suck any negative emotion away.
I rocked the teddy bear “to sleep” again last night. I sat in your glider, turned on your soother and just rocked. I stroked his head and whispered “shhhhh Daniel” over and over. I couldn’t stop saying your name and sobbing. I guess maybe i felt like i didn’t speak of you enough yesterday and i was making up for it.
I found myself turning on your soother every time i left the room yesterday. I was hoping if your spirit was around, it would help you to give me a sign….anything just to feel your presence.
You would have been 9 months tomorrow. I bet you would be standing on your own by now…i bet youd finally be saying mama or dad…or maybe it would be baba because you loved to eat so much! Oh i wish i got to hear you say mama. I dont care if it was just string of syllables.
My poor poor sweet angel. You didnt deserve this…no child does. You deserved to grow up. You deserved so much more than anything your father and I could offer you.
farfromperfect 