farfromperfect

I wish your face would “haunt” my dreams…I wish I could see you in any other way than the night we found you dead. It follows me alot more lately,  probably because we are coming up on your “anniversary”.  I wonder if it will be like that every month around the 6th. I can’t even imagine how much more pain I’ll feel when your birthday arrives.

I look at how seemingly perfect you were.  What did I miss? Why didn’t I know anything was wrong? I think I’ll carry this guilt until it’s my time to die. 

Are you looking for me where you are? Are you alone? Do you cry for me? Who gets to soak in your gorgeous smile and get lost in those eyes? Who is getting to hear your “lamby” coo and your raspy laugh? I’m not sure what I believe in anymore, but I have to believe in an after, I have to believe I’ll get to hold you again or else there is no way I can go on.

I read inspirational blogs of people who’ve gone through a similar situation,  and I see how they eventually find hope. I can’t even begin to see how that’s possible, but I sure hope I can someday.  I don’t want to feel misery when I think of you.  I want to remember the unbelievable love you brought into my life.

I want other people to speak of you without pause. I’m pretty sure that will just stay a dream.