Almost 7 months…it seems like a lifetime since my world was turned upside down…then again, it feels like yesterday.

You never know just how things will develop in your life. No matter how much control you try to take, or how much to leave to fate, it is never what you imagined. I never thought id have a child that died. Heck, i never thought id even know someone who had a child that died. I did everything in my power that was right. I had a vaginal birth, i breastfed as much as my body would let me, i didn’t use crib bumpers, i placed Daniel to sleep on his back, i didn’t let him sleep in his car seat or bouncy chair without watching him, etc….yet it still happened.

I can tell you that im in a different place than i was when it first happened, and every month i change just a little bit more. Im able to smile a genuine smile and even a real laugh. Every good moment is still shadowed with the fact that someone is missing. Daniel should be here, he should be enjoying this moment with us. I should see him walking and splashing in the pool this summer. I should be wiping sticky ice cream from his face. I should feel his little body pressed against mine because he passed out from too much fun in the sun. . Even when Jake is driving me crazy i still think “Daniel should be here tag teaming with him, making me even more crazy”.

Its not only the big things that hurt you, its every little thing that you’re missing. At a party when everyone is having a good time and all the kids are playing, there will always be one missing, and what hurts more is that i know only 2 people are even thinking that (just me and my husband). Its easy to pretend like it didn’t even happen and push it far from your mind because it didn’t happen to you, and i dont blame anyone for doing that. Id probably do the same thing before all this took place. People need to feel security and comfort, and i think alot of the time people are almost relieved that they now know someone who this happened to because  they think it is less likely to strike again.

I dont cry as much as i used to. There are still nights i cry myself to sleep or immediately after i wake up. I go to the cemetery every week to chat and make sure his decorations are still there. Some people dont understand why i go. I know he isn’t there, but his body is. The body of my perfect little boy is laying in the ground  and ill be damned if dont go. Its the only way i can feel close to him. I can lay on top of his grave and know he is right beneath me. Its bitter and people might think im crazy, but ive given up on caring what other people think. All i want is to dream of him but the dreams never come. His smell isn’t on any of his things and i cannot even remember what he smelled like. The only trace we have left is a smear of his hand print on the tv in our bedroom.

Sometimes i read posts about other women who lost a child and how they are trying to bring good to others who have gone through the same thing. i think to myself ” i hope i can feel like that one day”  You know what though, i probably wont. AND THAT’S OKAY. So far this tragedy has not changed me in any way other than the fact that im bitter. For the rest of my life i have to live with a piece of me missing. I dont have any greater realization that life is precious, i dont appreciate people more, i certainly dont think this happened for a reason or that god doesn’t give you more than you can handle (what kind of horrible thing is that to say anyways). I didn’t ask to be “Strong” im not strong. im just as weak as i was before this happened, if not weaker. Every aspect of my life, every relationship has been torn apart. Im trying to patch things up along the way, but the duct tape and glue isnt holding too well.