7 months since a piece of my heart was ripped out. 7 months since i last saw your smile.  7 months is a long time,  but its next month that is going to tear me apart.

The wider the space becomes,  the more i realize that this is it in life.  There is no after.  There is no chance ill see you again unless its in my dreams.  Ill never get to hold or kiss you again.  Where we are now,  and what we do in our lives now is the only chance we have.  Those 2nd chances in the “afterlife” just don’t exist.  I really and truly wish i could believe in some sort of hope of a after, but my rational mind is telling me other wise.  Id love to picture you being taken care of and happy, but i just can’t see it for anything other than what it is. You are not here. You are gone and we are destroyed.

I think im at that point where people are getting annoyed by my grief. Im feeling restricted if i get emotional,  or i feel like i need to hide my tears. With the new baby coming,  im scared that it will come prematurely because of all my grief and stress. When i expressed this i was told that “everyone has stress in their life,  what can you possibly be so stressed about?”I was in utter shock and felt so hurt by those words that I couldn’t even speak after hearing them.

Whatever it is that you think you would do or feel if this happened to you,  is not the same as if it really happened. I always imagined you’d have to commit me to the mental hospital and put me in a padded room or else id kill myself or be clinically insane.  Well, here i am. I’m sitting on my bed, drinking a cup of coffee and writing this.  Does this mean i didn’t love Daniel enough? Does this mean im a bad mother?

For some fucked up reason life goes on. It shouldn’t,  but it does.  My life is just evolving into something i never asked for. I guess its still up to me to help it go the way i need it to, but I’m not sure im capable.  Nothing will ever feel right. Our lives will always be far from perfect.