The day has finally arrived…the day where you’ve been dead longer than you’ve been alive outside of my womb.

I envy the mothers that got to hold their baby’s as they drew their last breath. At least they know their last image was of their loving face, not the blank white ceiling. At least they were warm in their arms, not alone and afraid. I try not to think of it like that. I try to think you were comfortable in the familiarity of your bed and you felt no pain or fear. Ill never ever know if this is true, but its the one last hope i have for you.

Some days it feels like you were never here at all, you are just this weird deja-vu feeling…or the gnawing at my brain that my life is missing something. Those days are the hardest; when life is normal and its easy to get wrapped up in the hum drum and predictability of the day. When i finally get a chance to clear my mind, there you are and my heart drops. Then i feel guilty.

Other days its like you were just here yesterday. I can still feel the weight of your body in my arms and the warmth of your head against my lips. I look at a picture of you and its like you’re just taking a nap in your crib and ill still get to go see you in an hour or two.

You would be 16 months by now. I remember Jake at that age. Nothing but pure wonderment in his eyes as he discovered new things. Every single thing he did was adorable and i couldn’t wait for those moments with you. Now its just another thing to add to the “i wonder what would have been” list that will forever haunt me.

I’m getting scared as it gets closer to your new brother or sister being here. Im scared to look into another baby’s eyes, hoping to catch a glimpse of you. Im scared for the day to come that they outlived the time you did. I’m scared of them feeling like they are a replacement. Im afraid of not being able to even feel close them, because im to nervous that something bad will happen to them too. I’m really scared of getting so caught up in them that i realize its been weeks since i was last to visit your grave. Im even more scared that everyone forgets, forgets your face and those eyes….forgets that you’ll ALWAYS be counted in our family.