Where do the days go? How am i still standing without you here? Life is so cruel and unfair. I have to witness constantly people that don’t appreciate being with their children; taking them for granted. It absolutely crushes us. Don’t they know how lucky they are? Why did they have kids anyways if they constantly want to drop them off with someone else? Ill never understand how our family got picked to endure this torture. We loved you…we cherished you.

I stare at a picture of you everyday, but its only when i start looking at a lot of pictures that i start to cry again. I find my self trying to analyze them. Did you look sick and i just didn’t notice? Some pictures i could interpret that way, but you probably were just tired or got done crying. I’m pretty sure ill be haunted by these thoughts forever, just like my first and last thoughts of the day are of you and the day you died.

I’m still trying to get to know this new person i have to be. So far, i don’t like her. If I met her somewhere id probably think she was just awful. She’s anxious, flaky, short tempered and so insecure. The insecurities are the worst, especially when it comes to thinking i can take care of a new little baby. I doted on you and it wasn’t good enough, how am i going to keep a new baby alive? What the hell were we thinking?

Jake is so cute when we go to the cemetery. He brings you books and toys and kisses your picture goodbye. He talks to you like you’re still here and it breaks and swells my heart. Im still not 100% sure if he realizes that you’re gone forever, but i sure hope that he never forgets you.

I’m dreading the coming months…when we have to put your clothes away and clear your things from the crib to make way for the new baby. If by some slim chance you can see us, please know we aren’t trying to replace you. no one could ever take your place.EVER.