Its finally here.  its been 1 year since you left us.  i haven’t been able to look through your photos for awhile now…i can’t bare to feel the pain it brings. 

So much has changed since you’ve been gone.  You have a little sister now and she aids in distracting us from the pain. No one can replace you.  No one can make us forget about you.  

I was told by the deputy coroner that people who  through traumatic events can remember even the most minute details of the day of a tragedy. I  think back to a year ago today…i cant remember anything before around 4pm.  all i can remember is trying to take cute pictures of you in your “my first Christmas” onesie  and you were not cooperating. Dad said ” do you want me to try?” and i said “no its ok ,we can try again tomorrow”.  i put you down for a nap and we had dinner. We were eating beef stew. you soon woke up and i pureed some up for you, but you’d only eat a few bites.  Soon i was putting you back to bed.  i was singing you lullabies and rocking in your chair.  you were making your cute cooing noises and suddenly looked up at me and smiled.  you gave me a giant wet sloppy kiss on my nose. i said “silly baby, its time for sleepies” and i kissed you and put you in your crib.  it was so cold in our room. i turned on your soother and then took a shower.  

The rest…well its so vivid and yet a blur. i try not to remember. its probably not healthy to repress it, but my ptsd is rampant pretty much everyday, replaying the night that you passed away. Its still hard for me to take a shower. 

You are so so loved.  you are missed more than i ever thought it was possible to miss  someone. this has changed us to our very core. We are so lucky to have had you, even if you couldn’t stay.     

I wish i couldve held you one last time.

Like i whisper outloud everyday “i miss you, i love you and im sorry i couldn’t save you” 

You’ll always be my sunshine.