its coming

soon…too soon. I find myself crying more again. I hide in a room or in a closet so i can shed tears without Jake and Evelyn seeing me. I dont want Jake to ask me whats wrong. Sometimes i let out a few ugly tears and push it all back down just to get through the rest of the day. i find myself becoming lazy…the energy drained from me before the day barely starts.

Then comes the night. The loud silence deafens me and forces me to think about you not being here. I lie there trying not to sob too loudly as to not wake up John. I know he wouldn’t mind, but i dont want to be a bother. No matter if someone is there to comfort me, the feeling is so isolating.

I haven’t looked at many photos of you in awhile. Its another method of suppression. Id give anything to hear your giggle, but i know if i look back at the video im going to lose my sanity.

Every time i leave the cemetery is just another reminder of how i have to go home without you…again.

Anytime we drove to or from my inlaws when its dark, i think of that foggy drive to their house after we left the hospital. the place where they wouldn’t let me hold you one last time.

suppression never works. i should know that. it always erupts violently.

And here i am, ugly crying in the office, trying to get some words out to help ease my broken soul.