The words i choose are never enough. They’re never strong enough to convey the sadness i feel. That old adage ” Actions speak louder than words” rings so true, and here i am unable to even show you just how much i miss you. I do try…whether its decorating a tree for you, making sure your plot is always decorated and tidy and coming to “see” you every single week, it will never be enough.

I try to find you in everything, yet find you in nothing. I beg at your headstone to please just come to me in a dream so i can hold you, and you never come. My mom always says ” i don’t need to do this or that to feel him” or “i dont need to visit his gravesite to feel close”. Shouldnt me as his mother feel him the most? His body formed in mine, our heartbeats were one, how can you get anymore connected than that?? Yet here i sit, never to feel your presence again.

I still wonder if we could have done something more. I think we always will. As if you dying wasnt bad enough, for some reason we have to worry about your brother and sister dying too.  i cannot watch another one of my children die before my eyes but it seems with every dr’s visit, we get closer and closer to that reality.

I’ve never asked for much in life. All i wanted was a happy family, but i guess that was too much. My relationship with your brother and sister are strained, along with your father. (We both battle with similar, yet very different demons.) Ive learned through your death that we have 0 control. No matter how good you are, not matter how nice and giving, it will never stop anything bad from happening. The notion of Karma that people hold on to is just a myth. If karma held any water, there would be a lot fewer people screaming about how unfair life is.

Feeling alone, even when you know there  are people who get it, is so isolating. I don’t think you could feel anymore alone than this. You grasp at people who have gone through similar experiences and it feels so strained. I hate that there has to be people like me out there.

You’d be two. You’d be just as excited as your brother for Christmas. you two would be playing and fighting and driving me crazy. i wouldnt appreciate it, just like i can’t appreciate the little things even after you’re gone. I’ve learned no lessons, only contempt.

i can see myself sitting in the waiting room at the e.r , feeling nothing. just completely numb. why aren’t i crying? why can’t i pray?this cant be real…this cant be happening.i knew you were already gone.

as your mother, what do i have left? I can keep your memory alive the best i can. Even when others want to forget, or just don’t care. I will keep you “alive” in my heart.  When i die, i guess that’s when the final strained thread of your existence will truly be gone.