farfromperfect

Emptiness cannot describe how I feel. .I don’t think there is even a word in existence that can describe this pain.

My heart aches in ways I never thought possible. I actually felt my heart shatter…

My heart is empty and full at the same time.  Full of love for my sweet baby, but empty knowing I’ll never see him again.

My eyes are etched with the images of his lifeless body as my husband handed him to me. My ears echo with my screams of anguish as I clutched him to my chest.

My soul wretches as my husband calls 911 and desperately tries to bring him back to life.

But a mother knows. .I already knew he was gone. I couldn’t cry. I still held on to a tiny shred of hope for my husband, but my heart Already knew. ..

Waiting for the final word was torment. The Dr came into the room and she said IM SORRY. I buried my head and covered my ears..i didnt want to hear it from her lips….I wanted to sink into a darkness that I couldn’t return from.

Walking down the hall to see his body felt like walking across the desert. It seemed like forever. .I didn’t want to get there. ..

He had so many tubes connected to him, but he just looked like he was sleeping. His body was still warm. His cheeks still a bit pink. I wanted to hold him so bad but they wouldn’t let me. I shook as I touched his head and told him I was sorry a million times.

My sweet sweet Daniel. How could this happen? What did I do wrong? This happens to other people. ..NOT ME.

I held his tiny little hands for the last time and kissed his precious fingers. I held his chubby feet against my cheek.

My husband sat on the other side, sobbing uncontrollably. I knew he felt guilty. .I knew he felt like he should have been able to save him. …but I knew there was nothing he could have done.

I couldn’t be in the room anymore, but I didn’t want to leave. I stroked his face as I sang him one last lullaby through choking tears. “You are my sunshine”

He was my sunshine. My first light in the morning. The first smile, he was the face I saw when I first woke up. His excitement to see me each day made my heart burst.

Now my heart is exploding. It’s screaming. I’m dying.

We just couldn’t go back home. We drove to my mother in laws, the fog was so thick. It felt like we were in a dream.

I kept feeling like I had to vomit, but nothing would come up. I even tried to gag myself, but still nothing.

All I could think about was Daniel. I thought about him being alone when he passed. How I had just seen and held him an hour before we found him.

The overwhelming guilt for all the times I felt I needed time away. Guilt for feeling frustrated when he wouldn’t give me a break. I’d give anything to feel that frustration again.

I couldn’t sleep. All I kept picturing was his limp body, his eyes partially open. My husband trying in vain to save his life. The vomit pouring out of his mouth as my husband performed cpr and the tinge of hope I had in that moment.

The next morning came. I burst into tears the minute I opened my eyes. This really was happening.

My baby was really gone.

Why why why.
Why me?
Why us?
What did we do to deserve this?

I tried to do everything right and always do the right thing. I tried to be a good person.

It just wasn’t enough.

The morning was still foggy and hanging heavy in the air. I stared into the mist blankly as my heart was pounding out of my chest.

I cried hysterically on and off waiting for my first born to come over. When he came in the door all I wanted was to squeeze him tight, but being a 2 year old he wanted nothing to do with that.

The next step was waiting to hear if the coroner was able to find the reason. My mind raced will all the possibilities.
Did he suffocate?
Did he choke on spit up?
…None of that made any sense.

The time the coroner said he would call us by came and went. My husband called him abs he said they hadn’t started yet, and they would at 1pm.

My heart exploded.

Now I knew the time they would be cutting my baby apart. I couldn’t take it. I ran upstairs and started bawling. I wish I didn’t know.

Finally my husband calls again around 4, they tell him a normal baby his age had a heart that weighs 40grams. Daniel’s weighed 50 grams. My husband breaks down.

How could we not know? How could the Dr’s not have caught anything during his well baby visits? I used to complain about having to take the kids to the Dr so often, now i wish I would have been going every week….

All I wanted to do is curl up and cry.

My husband brings to my attention that Daniel turned 8 months the day that he died. I didn’t even realize. I feel guilty. I didn’t even take his 8 month picture….i have never forgotten to do that before…

Jake still hadn’t asked about Daniel. This was making me even more sad.

We still had to make the decision on what to do with his tiny body. This is something we struggled with immensely. On one hand, i wanted him with me at all times, on the other, i couldn’t bear to think of them burning his perfect body into ashes. After a little discussion, we decided to bury him, that way we could go visit his place of rest whenever anyone needed.

Tuesday arrived, another day I never imagined I’d have to see. I was pretty much numb all morning. My parents took us to the store so i could pick out something to wear to my babys funeral. I kept seeing families with 2 little boys everywhere and i couldnt keep it together. I did not want to try any clothes on. I didnt want to put that outfit on until i HAD  to.

Later that afternoon, we were pulling up to to the funeral home and I lost it. I just couldnt walk in the door..but i had to.

It seemed like forever waiting for the funeral director. Each step seemed to drag on longer than the last. They brought the prayer cards out and i could barely read them through the non stop tears. I just wanted to pick out his coffin and be done.  They brought out the book..it still didnt seem real. John and i were hysterical as we tried to pick something good enough for our precious baby.

we’re exhausted.

We cant rest yet. We need to buy frames for all the pictures we want to set up at his service. Again, nothing seems good enough to house the memories we have. I feel guilty my parents are spending all this money.

I feel guilty alot…

Still cant rest….we have to go through all his pictures and somehow choose the perfect ones. Each pictures is perfect, how can we possibly narrow it down? Picking the pictures almost felt good. John and I were able to talk about the good times we had with Daniel and how he experienced so much in such a short amount of time.

He experienced all seasons. He went to the beach, the forest preserves, the zoo, botanical gardens and on a vacation. He’s been on a boat, he rode a horse. He tried all kinds of foods. He went trick or treating and to the pumpkin patch. He went with his to pick out our christmas tree and watched and played as we decorated it. He got to touch snow and play in the leaves. He’s been to the park many times, been on swings, went down slides…went to story time at the library…danced with me in the grocery store…so many things…

Another level in this nightmare is calling a pediatric cardiologist for Jake. We NEED to make sure nothing is wrong with him. We cant get in until January. It hits me that the appointment is the same day Daniel would have turned 9 months….

Jake is being a typical 2 year old. Its hard to be around him. Its hard for me to look at him. I know he needs me, but i cant be there 100% yet. My mother in law is tending to him and he’s clinging to her. I just want him to cling to me, but he just pushes me away.

My husband and I take turns going upstairs to cry.  We’re both afraid to be apart from each other, even for a minute. Its hard for me to look at him too…i see Daniel in his eyes, and i know he see’s the same in mine.

My family is over, Jake and my niece are playing on an ipad. Playing a Daniel tiger game. All i keep hearing is DANIEL….DANIEL….the sound of his name hurts so much. I cant take it.

The day before the funeral, i feel nothing. Its spent getting everything together, making sure its perfect.

Honestly  this day is the most blurry…

Thursday morning arrives. I go through the motions of getting ready. I try to put on a little makeup but im shaking too much. John is trying to tie his tie…but his fingers wont work.

I just want to get to the funeral home to see Daniel, but i never want to get there.

The radio is playing in the background on the way there

x ambassadors- unsteady.

my husband and i are bawling. we’ve never heard this song until today. It was like it was Daniel speaking to us. It cut so deep, but neither one of us wanted to turn it off. It was timed perfectly and ended just as we pulled up to the funeral home.

Geared with bags of memories, we make our way inside. Im anxious to see him. Im scared he wont look like himself. We finally can walk in to the room where he lays. I can see his perfect head of hair before anything else. My stomach is in knots and we’re inconsolable. We get to the casket and he looks perfect. He looks so peaceful like he’s fast asleep. He’s wearing a sleeper that he used to wear often, i wanted to make sure he was comfortable. I just want to squeeze him, but im afraid to touch him. My hands are shaking uncontrollably as i reach in…he’s ice cold.

My poor sweet baby.

i still cant believe this is real. I stroke his cheeks and touch his hand, again the first words out of my mouth are “IM SO SORRY”. Between our tears we tell him how much we love him and miss him. I cant remember the words i even said. We had written some notes to him on little paper hearts the night before. I thought it would be sweet to bury him with a bunch of love notes. (i gave a heart to each member of my immediate family so they could do the same) We tucked ours in under the quilt my mother had made for him.  We place a duckie rattle that he loved inside next to his tiny hands. My husband and I hold each other so tight that i think we might crush our bones.

I decide that its finally time to tell Jake. Everyone is telling me not to do it, but i scoop him up and we start walking over to Daniels casket. I ask him if he’s missed Daniel and has been wondering where he is. He says Yes. I tell him “Daniel is no longer with us. He is Dead. We are going to miss him very much and today we are going to say goodbye”

It might seem harsh to some, and when i worried what id say all those days before, i wanted to sugar coat it. I knew he wouldn’t really grasp the concept anyways.

I propped him up to see Daniel. He said “hi Danel!” and asked me if he was sleeping. ” No” i said. “Daniel isnt sleeping. He’s not alive anymore. He is in heaven with the angels. Anytime you see a rainbow, think of it as Daniel”

“okay” he said

and that was that.

Slowly my family comes in crying as they see him. Its making me hurt even more. Im not constantly crying how i thought id be, and that makes me so mad.

More and more people show up. We hear more “im sorry’s”…its making me even more numb. So many people…more than i ever thought would show up.

I cant help but keep going up to see Daniel…just to stroke his hair and kiss his face.

Jake runs up saying he wants to see Daniel. He pick up up and bring him over. He wants to give Daniel a kiss, so i let him. He says ” Goodnight Daniel, i love you” ….I lost it. All the could have beens hit me like a semi truck.

My friends Morgan and Savannah arrive and have the uncanny ability to make us laugh, despite the circumstances. This worries me..how can i laugh as my baby lies there? It feels good to laugh though…i feel as though people are judging me.

The service starts and i i start weeping again. The deacon who performed his baptism just a few weeks back is the one performing the service. It was nice to have some sort of connection.

Johns dad read “you are my i love you” one of the books id read to Daniel all the time. My heart ripped in two knowing i could never read it to him again.

How can my heart break anymore? How can this hurt anymore than it does right now?

I had written a letter to Daniel two days after his death. No matter what words i placed on the paper, it could never capture how i felt about him. I decided i wanted to read it out loud.

My sweetest Daniel,

The best part of my day was waking up to your smiling face. Id hear you fussing in your crib and Id peek & see you looking for me. The moment you saw me you’d give me that big beautiful smile and look at me with your gorgeous eyes. Your giggles as i nibbled on your c hubby belly and legs made my heart swell with joy.

You were growing into such an amazing little man and we were just starting to see your personality blossom.

My heart aches knowing i wont get to see you walk, hear you call me momma and watch you grow up into the most amazing young man we always knew you’d be

You’ll always be in every fiber of me, Danny bear. You’ll always be my sunshine. I’m just sorry you had to be alone.

I felt like I just HAD to read it.

 

The service ended and then it was off to the cemetery. Again im numb, but as we inch closer i start to cry.  I dont want to watch them put my baby into the ground.

We’re standing there and i can barely stay on my feet. I just want to climb into that hole with him so he doesn’t have to be alone anymore. I fall to my knees as they lower the casket. I tremble as i throw my rose onto his casket. I just want to leave..i cant be there anymore…

This is one of those things that makes your seriously question your faith..but on the other hand, if you dont have any faith then what do you have? The thought that your child is dead forever and that’s it, or that he is in heaven? I’ll choose the latter and hope ill be good enough to make it there to see him again one day. I hope he’ll recognize me. I hope he’ll give me that same smile and look at me with those same eyes…I hope its like we were never apart.

Please someone wake me up…