I avoid doing the dishes as much as i can get away with. Without fail, it always ends with me in tears. I’m not sure if its the mindlessness of the chore that allows my mind to wander back to that horrific night, but it happens every time.

Jake and i had a great day. We spent the whole morning at the beach, playing in the water and sand. He told me that he had a lot of fun, so did I! I’m finding its easier to live in the present, but that’s only easy if i can push everything else out of my mind. Regardless, there’s always that shadow lurking, reminding me that someone is missing.

i feel like im being pulled in two opposite directions; further away from Daniel and closer to this new baby being born. Its a terrible feeling. Last thing that i want to do is fuck up two kids because i cant keep my shit together. Sometimes i regret getting pregnant again but that’s only because i am so stressed out. I just keep imagining all this stress harming this poor innocent baby and screwing it up too.  The longer its been since Daniel left us leaves the hole in my heart feeling bigger. Knowing ill never get to hold him ever again…i still wish i could strangle the coroner and the hospital for not letting us hold him one more time….i wish i would’ve fought harder for that right.

When i was pregnant with Daniel i seriously tried to do everything i could to make sure he would be the healthiest baby. I used only organic  non gmo beauty products, ditched anti-antiperspirants and went to all natural aluminum free deodorant. Used only natural body wash, lotion and hair products. I even spent $40 a month on organic non gmo plant based prenatal vitamins, along with eating as much organic and non processed foods as i could IT DIDN’T EVEN MATTER…not one fucking bit. I feel like i was scammed and like such an idiot.  I feel like maybe somehow that that is what harmed him. I know its silly, but with Jake, i took generic prenatal vitamins from the grocery store and i still tried to eat healthy but i wasn’t as informed as i was when i was pregnant with Daniel.

So now with this baby, i went back to using the generic prenatal vitamins and being more lax. The level II ultrasound is on July 9th, and im anxious. I feel like its all a waste of time because even this ultrasound cant catch everything. There is nothing that can catch everything. We absolutely have 0 control over anything and that is probably the toughest part about creating and raising a new life.

My poor husband has so much stress. School, working at a job that is not ideal ,being the breadwinner, trying to make sure im happy. I wish i could help him, i just dont know how. Its starting to eat away at him and all i can do is just sit here and watch. I look at him and i just want to take it all off of his shoulders.I’m failing him immensely….i dont want to be yet another statistic. i dont want to lose him…i cant. At times I feel like we’re two people who dont know how to swim, and we’re drowning. We’re desperately grasping at each other to stay afloat, but instead, we’re just pushing each other deeper into the water. Then there are the times we’re our old selves come out…and we’re laughing with each other, or even just being there in the comfort of each others presence…and that gives me a little tiny sliver of hope that everything will be ok. I keep telling myself and him that everything will be okay someday…just not today…..i really and truly hope thats true.